You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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