As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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