If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
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