I got chris browned last night
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Randomize
