dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
