I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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