life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
