So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
