my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
