There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
