so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
