you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
