Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
