There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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