i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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