I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
