Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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