dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
