I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
