After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
