I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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