ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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