I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
