I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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