I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
