TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize