weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
