At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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