Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize