the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
