dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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