Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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