and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
