Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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