My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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