I met the friendliest cop last night
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I will be naked everywhere
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
