why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Everything about him screamed your future.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
