tell your sister to shave her snatch
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
