I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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