There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If that was your dad, he is hot
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
