Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
