She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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