i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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