Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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