I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize