I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
