I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
