dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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