R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
