Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
