Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize