Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
