he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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