one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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