he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
