to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
