Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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