What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
