Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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