I heard we made out
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
