we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
