i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
