This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
