The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
