I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
