If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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