Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
