Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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