If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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