wakey wakey hands off snakey
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
